Unwritten Graphics

Home

You are viewing

unwritten_icons's journal
Log in Create a LiveJournal Account Learn more

Explore LJ: Life Entertainment Music Culture News & Politics Technology

Advertisement

26 November 2009 @ 11:46 am

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I have both good news and bad news:

Okay, well, bad-ish news. I dunno what to think of it yet.

Good news, my cousin is moving back with his NEW GIRLFRIEND who is having his baby. Family from there say he's much happier and carefree than he was, which is good. He needed and deserved a bit of happiness.

Bad-ish news: My friend from Nevada is 5 months pregnant as well. Bad news because, well, she's 18 - and while having a baby at her age won't absolutely ruin her life, it's not going to help her with future plans, either. Unlike my cousin's girlfriend, the father ditched her and she has nowhere to go but her brother's, who, I wouldn't be surprised kicks her out soon. Her family aren't the nicest people.

I'd really like to be there for her, but unfortunately, too busy with college. This isn't set in stone, I MAY be able to visit when I get a job/student loan money, which I hope to do.

Leave a comment

20 November 2009 @ 10:21 am

He fell down the stairs and hit his head. Complete accident.

Family making arrangments to go to Nevada until after Thanksgiving, I'm probably going to stay here. I dunno what I'll do.

When life gives you lemons, I suppose..

1 comment | Leave a comment

02 November 2009 @ 05:08 pm

Friend tried to kill herself

First my mother and now this. Granted, it happened last wednesday (I got a txt message about it but I never check it, soo..) I just got off the phone with her, we're gonna meet this Wednesday.

Is is Friday yet?

Leave a comment

01 November 2009 @ 03:30 pm

Drama drama drama

Mother took a butcher knife and sliced her arm open last night. Don't know the details. She got into a huge screaming fight with my adoptive mom, sister-in law took mother to hospital to get 15 stitches.

Great.

4 comments | Leave a comment

30 October 2009 @ 07:11 pm

Ugh here we go again

Let's get this straight, here: Is Genesis not a man? Isn't he a SOLDIER, 1st class, second only to Sephiroth himself?

Also, are there different versions of Crisis Core out there? Cause I dunno about you, but in the Crisis Core I played, Genesis was very much a man and couldn't be mistaken for female, even in a fancy dress and makeup.

So why do I see fic where Genesis isn't only a male prostitute, but a cross-dressing male prostitute, who gets mistaken for a woman not once, but twice?

AUGH, people. Just AUGH. If you're going to write about two MEN, describe them as such! I admit, some Drag Queens out there can really pull it off and fool people, but not without one or two enchancements to either their body or their clothing. You just can't take a 6 foot something soldier, put him in a dress, and he's suddenly a very beautiful female. It just doesn't work like that.

I'm really starting to dislike Crisis Core fics. Gen is always either a crazy rapist, the super-feminine dramaqueen, the spoiled, aristrocratic brat, or just the jackass. I've only seen him portrayed well in a handful of fics. And this doesn't end at Gen either, don't even get me started on Cloud, or Zack, or Vincent!

1 comment | Leave a comment

28 October 2009 @ 11:26 pm

Guess who hasn't had more than 3 hours of sleep in a week. Joy!

I get to sleep around 4-5 in the morning lately, no matter what I do I'm just not tired.

In other news, I'm flat freaking broke, I have exactly $9 to my name until I either get a job or I get student loans in January.

Oh well..who needs groceries anyway? XD

Leave a comment

17 October 2009 @ 05:42 pm

I'm on a few forums, and while I generally avoid arguments/serious topics, I do participate in a good debate every now and then.

One thing I've noticed?

When I oppose to someone's opinion (before saying that they have a right to it) they revert from arguing with me to throwing personal insults. This one in question told me I can't "accept other's opinions" just before caling me an "ignorant, prejudgmental bitch" for having an opinion of my own. Hypocritical, much?

Why do people feel that throwing insults will somehow better prove their point? All it does is make me think less of you and your thoughts. This girl in question was already a notch below my 'take them seriously' scale because her grammar was so horrible. Another because she called me "ignorant about the world" despite the fact that she's an unemployed 15 year old who still lives with her mother. Hon, I'm a grown adult living on my own, going to college and providing 100% for myself. I am LIVING in the real world, whilst you are not. Don't preach to me about how "ignorant" I am while you sit all cozy on mommy's couch playing on the computer she bought you.

Then she went on whining how she almost killed herself, but stopped herself because she wanted to "help people" which somehow made my opinion lesser. Oh, whaah, join the club sweetheart, you're not the only one in the world who has tried to kill herself. She mentioned this after I told her that everyone has a survival instinct (she claimed that those who think "I want to live" are selfish leeches) including her. You can't ignore biology; no matter how suicidal or depressed someone is, if they somehow mess up or fail in killing themselves, they will, even on a minor level, possess the will to survive despite it. It's the way we're programmed, so to speak.

All that aside, I'm tired of being insulted by little twats on the internet who somehow think they're the greatest shit since sliced bread. Though I'm pretty certain they wouldn't say that crap while face to face. On the internet, you aren't face-to-face with a person, and therefore, can't see their reaction or be held responsible for it. Still won't make my opinion of you or your thoughts any better, in fact, I'd say it worsens it.

There's my rant for the day. I'm off to the gym.

Leave a comment

16 October 2009 @ 10:47 pm

Been watching some old, favorite shows of mine like Sailor Moon (on 3rd season) and Samurai Jack. Good times, good times. I especially like Sailor Moon because as an adult, I see much more things in it than I did as a child. Like why NO ONE recognizes Serena as Sailor Moon *laughs* but more than that, I can see deeper themes and meanings, and I especially appriciate the simplicity of the show now as opposed to my other, more complicated favs like .hack//sign.

Samurai Jack's art style is reason enough to watch, animation is nice, smooth and clean. Characters are good, plot is good, everything's just good. A nice show to watch when I have nothing better to do.

Prozac seems to be kicking in, though not sure yet. Still depressed, just a little less, and with less obsessive thoughts. Just have to wait and see.

That's the good news.

Bad news: I'm down to 98lbs and am losing about a pound a day. I can't say I'm worried. I know the weight loss will stop after a bit, and that just worries me more, because I'm barely eating as is - in order to lose more I'll just have to stop eating altogether. I strangely have no problem with that. The problem I have is being able to hide all this from the people around me; I just about exploded the other day when I had to go to the doctors from all the water I drank. I layered enough clothing to add 3 pounds..good thing it's winter.

Have to go to bed. Hope the pain in my chest goes away.

Leave a comment

05 October 2009 @ 04:12 pm

Enough already!

Pet peeve: Fanfiction that describes obviously male characters with feminine adjectives.

A man is not PRETTY, or DELICATE, or SLIGHT, or PETITE. These are FEMININE TRAITS.

A man can be beautiful as a woman can be handsome. A man shouldn't be described as a pretty little wallflower with lovely, delicate features and milk-white skin. Unless said man is transgender, a crossdresser, or what have you, I have never in my life ever seen a man fitting this description naturally. I've seen beautiful men, short men, tall men, etc, but I have yet to see a pretty, delicate, petite, curvy, whatever-feminine-adjective man. Never.

I am sick to death of reading "X character's delicate features lit up with joy as a pretty blush flushed his cheeks." Or "He was a petite, curvy man with milky skin and lush, full lips." All of these things I've seen describe women. Why must there always be a "feminine" man in yaoi fanfiction? Why can't they both just be MEN? Because that's what they freaking are! Not every gay couple has a "feminine" man and not every gay couple SHOULD.

Bottom line: Yaoi fangirls, you are writing about two men, NOT two women. A man can be beautiful, but please stick to describing a man as a MAN, not a delicate little flower that would break with a single breath. Thank you.

Edit: I'd also like to clarify that in no way am I saying a man has to be "masculine" to be male. This is only a pet peeve of mind that occurs in fanfiction.

1 comment | Leave a comment

24 September 2009 @ 01:53 am

Although I really don't participate much in fandoms I follow, I think I just..need a break. Not from just the fandoms, but from updating this blog and commenting on the ones I watch.

I think I just need a break from everything. School, food, life in general. I'm tired of worrying about so much. It's really starting to wear me out. I'm exhausted all the time, mentally and physically, and most mornings I have to fight myself to get out of bed. I just don't see the point.

I have an appointment with the Uni counselor on Friday, but I'm not sure how frequent our meetings will be. I was told at the beginning of the semseter that the counseling services were "free" only to find that only the first session is "free". I know $15 a session is practically nothing, but someone in my situation would need a minimum of 2 sessions a week. Add that up, and it's $80 a month, something I simply don't have at the moment. I have about $400 left until I get a job and I need every cent I can get.

Suicide and death in general have been on my mind a lot. I look around my apartment and think of all the ways I could kill myself. I can't even walk down the main street (busiest one in town) without wondering what would happen if I threw myself in front of a car. This worries me, naturally. The suicidal thoughts aren't new; I've had them, on and off, for five years, but none of them have been as graphic or thought-out.

I got my blood drawn today to test for inflamation, most likely related to arthritis. My joints have been hurting like hell for the past month, and I've been fighting a viral infection close to 3 weeks now. I could barely drag myself down the 3 flights of stairs to go to the doctor, dizzy spells are common and I'm glad I've only had them in my apartment. Could you imagine if I passed out in class? I don't.

Anyway, the point of my rambling is, don't expect to see me around as often on this journal or the ones I usually comment on (Karadin, I'm looking at you XD) I'll update every now and then just to say I'm still alive, but that's it.

Thanks.

Tags: other

Leave a comment

23 September 2009 @ 02:07 pm

I have nothing better to do than write crack fanfiction.

What sort of crack, you say?

...A Crisis Core/Star Trek VOY crossover.

YES, REALLY.

>_> <_< No I will not be sharing it. But it's definately crack and hilarious.

(God I hope this infection goes away before I spawn something else).

Leave a comment

23 September 2009 @ 12:40 pm

Went to doctor today, hoping she would give me some damn anti-biotics for this thing I have, only to find that it's a viral infection, and thus, must wait it out. It's been going on for two freaking weeks and I'm exhausted. I spend most of my day sleeping anymore, no energy to go to class, or grocery shop, or anything. Weight's been hovering at 100-101lbs for a while because I haven't been eating. Managed to shove a few things down last night in a last ditch effort to feel better - did the opposite, made me feel worse >(

Had my blood drawn, oh joy, for inflamation testing or summat.

Here's hoping I get better soon, don't wanna miss any more classes than I have to.

Leave a comment

19 September 2009 @ 05:03 pm

So, I was at a fair the other day, nothing special, regular old cultural fair the town has once a year.

I saw one of my aunts there, I haven't seen her in a few months - when I was a "normal" weight, that is - she takes one look at me and goes:
"You look great!"

Of course, my first reaction was that of pride, a typical anorecitc thought of "So my weight loss is noticable, what if I lose more?"

This thought was quickly drowned by an acute "The fuck?"

Let me clarify, here: I'm almost ten pounds underweight. This doesn't seem like a lot, but bear in mind, before I saw my aunt again, I didn't have much to lose in the first place. My logical side knows that at 108lbs, I was an average weight for my height. It also knows that at around 100lbs, when I saw my aunt again, I was underweight with a BMI of 17.7. (Though I think BMI is a load of crock, this was just to give a general idea).

Anything below 18.5 on the BMI scale is underweight. My aunt was essentially telling me I "looked good" almost ten pounds underweight and a low BMI. Had she paid me any complements when I was a "normal" weight? No. I only "looked good" to her after I dropped almost ten pounds, going from a US size 8 in jeans to a size 2/3.

I often wonder if I'm truly the one with disordered thoughts.

2 comments | Leave a comment

17 September 2009 @ 10:05 pm

I get periods of sudden, great energy when I just have to do something.

So, I got up from the couch and went into an organizing frenzy. Organized my drawers, re-organized it again. Went into the pantry, organized food by type (boxed, snacks, drink mixes, containers, wrapped). Would have organized fridge, but there's nothing in there anyway. Then, I went to sort through my school papers.

Instead of wasting $98 on a textbook I'd only use a few times, I used my sister's copier, took the book back. I was in a hurry and basically flung all the pages together. They've been sitting on my desk until today.

Pages. Over 200 pages of copied paper, nothing complicated, some pages were missing because we didn't need them. Went from 17-600's.

Honest to god, I could not count. I literally could NOT figure out wtf I was supposed to do. I sat there amongst a circle of papers, stared at them. Picked them up, put them back, stared some more. Doesn't 700 go before 800? 5 before 6? I sat there for a good few mins and got frusrated. Took dog for a walk to clear my head. Came back and managed, after about half an hour, to finally remember how to count.

But, I must admit, I rather like that feeling. Of being totally fricking out of it. I don't have anything to worry about, nothing I have to do right that moment, or anything. Because, honestly, I couldn't concentrate enough to count, let alone think about my problems. I think when one hears "getting high" they think of hardcore drugs, not someone starving themselves. But that's what happens. I don't know the exact reason, the exact chemicals that are released when running on nothing, but it IS similar to being high or drunk.

This is what makes an Eating Disorder an addiction as well. Not an addiction as in drugs or alcohol, but I've found that I miss that zoned-out feeling from time to time. It's also an "addiction" to your routines; every Eating Disordered person has a certain routine with themselves, food, etc, sometimes so complicated and irrational they themselves can't explain it. Deviate from your routine, and BAM life is suddenly out of control and you're panicked, not understanding what went wrong, mind racing. Then, you find your mistake, fix it, and swear to punish yourself for this mistake. All is well.

Tags: other

Leave a comment

16 September 2009 @ 05:22 pm

Quote of the day

Today's quote:

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin

Leave a comment

14 September 2009 @ 11:05 am

Quote of the day

Today's quote:

"Beauty is a state of body, not a state of mind."

Unknown.

Leave a comment

12 September 2009 @ 08:00 pm

Been thinking about making a seperate journal concerning my thoughts/experience with Eating Disorders, since I seem to talk about it a lot on here, a journal first meant for posting my graphics and resources. Problem is - who would really view it? This journal gets most traffic because of my graphics/resources, not really my thoughts.

Leave a comment

12 September 2009 @ 06:12 pm

Quote of the day

Today's Quote

“A kind word is
like a spring day.”
Russian Proverb

Tags: quotes

Leave a comment

11 September 2009 @ 08:27 pm

An interesting thought

At 96lbs, I had a BMI of 17.0 exactly.

The load of crock called the DSM-IV states that one criteria for diagnosing AN, is having a BMI of 17.5 or lower. Based on this, I could have easily been diagnosed as one with anorexia nervosa.

I've bumped up to 102lbs, bringing my BMI to 18.1, which is still underweight by the scale, mind.

What I've noticed?

My thoughts, feelings, self-image, and anxieties are exactly the same.

I have the same obsessive thoughts: "Weigh myself again, maybe it wasn't right the fourth time/how many calories have I had today, best count them again/I'll do 50 more sit ups just in case."

The same feelings of shame, saddness, disgust, disappointment, and a mirad of others are still there with the same potency.

I still see huge rolls of fat on me, at 102 pounds, as I did at 96.

I still get nervous when around social situations that involve food. I still bolt out of bed in the middle of the night to weigh myself again. I still hit myself when going grocery shopping, if nothing else because the pain distracts me from the anxiety.

My behaviors are the same. Why should it matter that I gained seven pounds (augh, god, that's hard to write), between June and now, how does it make my condition any less severe? The behaviors surrounding why I lost weight in the first place are still here, I just happen to be seven pounds heavier.

Leave a comment

11 September 2009 @ 12:09 pm

Inspirational/positive quotes

I'm gonna start posting a motivational/positive quote each day, sometimes with a picture. In HS, the psychologist had me sa something positive about myself once a day, so I thought I'd bring something similar into my journal.

Today's quote:

There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you.
David Burns, Intimate Connections

I think this can apply to many people, including myself. In the end, it's YOU that holds you back from what you want, and what many people want, naturally, is happiness. If you only think of how miserable you are, you will stay that way.

Tags: quotes

Leave a comment

Advertisement