Mother overdosed on drugs today. I don't know what kind. Don't care. Her grandchildren were in the house and found her having a seizure on the floor, naked. They were with her a few hours before my 7 year old nephew managed to call someone on her cell phone. She's in the hospital now.

I'm so sick of her bullshit.

I don't know when I'll be able to update again. Too much shit and drama going on in my life.

(At least I can always turn to my ED..)

Here I am stuffing my face again..

Why can't I just eat like a normal person and enjoy it? Eat without imagining all the food - even a goddamned peach -going straight to my hips/stomach/thighs?

Why do I have to count calories? Why do I have to practically kill myself every night at the gym? Why do I have the compulsion to weigh myself after everything I eat? Honestly, why am I doing this? Why do I hate myself so much? Why does my entire life revolve around three things: Calories, food, weight..instead of things like  boys, my friends, my favorite TV show?

Why did I swallow two spoon fulls of salt the other night..knowing it was going to taste awful, knowing I'd hate it, knowing it was bad - just so I could puke up that ONE chicken wrap I had? Why do I go to bed every night and think "Fat cow ate too much, lay in bed like the lazy pig you are, try harder tomorrow, try harder, be better!" Then, a moment later, I think: "What am I doing to myself?"

Every day is a constant battle inside my head. I can't get rid of it. I can't stop the thoughts that tell me how fat, worthless, and stupid I am, nor can I stop the thoughts that revolve around food. Can I afford that? How many calories is that? Will it make me gain weight? I ate x amount of calories today, no, I can't afford it, look away, don't smell it, don't look at it, don't think about it. You do not want it. Your growling stomach is a traitor. It wants you to eat when you don't need to.

God, how did I get this way? I think back on my life three years ago - my biggest concern every night was - nothing. I was depressed, I was suicidal, but it didn't plauge my every thought and action. Why does the human race have to be cursed with such things? If there is a god out there, I bet it just likes torturing us for its own amusment.

Download HERE at DA

Set of 15 100x100 textures with a floral theme.

Made in CS4, image pack included, have fun!
 

 
Download HERE at DA

Set of 25 tea-themed brushes. Includes tea sets, teacups, lace, and various food brushes.

 
Download HERE at DA

Set of 20 vintage inspired photoshop brushes. Most items I made brushes of would have been found on a woman's vanity in the victorian era.

Credit is nice but not required.
 

Not really related to anything, but I thought I'd try my hand at making a pixel doll - turned out better than I expected. The chair didn't turn out quite like I wanted, but I was just doing it for fun.
 

Credit for doll and chair base to www.stvgr.net/dhf/ 

Btw, it's supposed to be Felicity Worthington from Libba Bray's Gemma Doyle series.

 

Why do people like portraying Genesis as the villain/rapist/sadist/batshit crazy/psychopath in some fics? Dude, I don't know what version of the game they played, but Genesis didn't strike me as any of the above. A little on the edge, I'd say, but not a serial rapist or sadist or whatever. His character and why he did such things were explained in a believable manner, at that. I keep finding fics with this scenario: Poor little Zack Fair gets raped and or tortured by mean evil Genesis and Angeal comforts Zack with love and kisses, and they live happily ever after while Genesis, the cockroach of Shinra, rots in a cell or dies a horrible painful death. Tell me, does that sound at all canon to you?

First, if someone tried to rape Zack - nothing short of Sephiroth would be able to beat him. Because he is one of the fiercest characters I've come across. Yes, he's sweet and honest and all that, but he is also a SOLDIER with enhanced strength, hearing, yatta yatta yatta and I don't see him curling in a fetal position and letting it happen. I see him biting and screaming and cussing and beating the shit out of anyone who tried. And don't get me started on what Angeal would do to said person himself.

Second, yes, Genesis teeters on the edge of insanity, but he is not sadistic or psychotic. I've only taken 4 months of Psychology but I know that much. When people say there's a fine line between insanity and genius, they were right. And by the way, I use the term insane loosely - for one you have to be BORN insane and can't simply develop it, and two, compare Genesis to people like Jack the Ripper or Hitler - I don't see anything in common at all. Yet his character is explained in the series - why he did what he did, what made him what he was, etc etc. I don't expect someone who was raised in that sort of environment could grow up to be healthy minded. Especially after the whole degradation scenario. His obsession with LOVELESS, too, is explainable - assuming that his parents didn't pay much attention to him, it's plausible to say that he took the story to heart and followed it almost religiously, because that had influence on his life where his parents didn't. He honestly believed himself to be the hero in the story, and while that does sound odd, it's not fair to call him insane or psychopathic for that. Obsessed, yes, but not psychotic. At some point in our lives, don't we wish to be someone else?

I don't know why I have to defend his character so often, because if you think about it, his character is easily explainable *sigh*